The path to using donor sperm

My first-born Esme was conceived using my sperm after several failed ICSI attempts. You can imagine the joy we felt. Tragically Esme passed away shortly after birth. Her passing was horrific for us and not the purpose of this blog.

After lots of support we had the courage to try again. But after two more failed attempts, with worsening male fertility, I was told: ‘We will no longer work with your sperm.’  I was left heartbroken as I felt the dream of being a parent again had gone. A real mixture of negative emotions spiraled through my mind.

Feeling emasculated

I felt lonely and isolated, what was the point in life if I could not be a dad and could not give my wife what we both craved. Failure, emasculated, inadequate, responsible and grief are all words that spring to mind when I think about that time in my life.

We explored other routes to parenthood and decided on using donor sperm. It wasn’t necessarily the fairy tale way you see on TV, but my wife and I agreed it was the way we wanted to go.

Lots of donor questions

This route left us with lots of questions: what will people say, what will any potential baby’s appearance be like, how will any potential babies feel about me? Those worries were irrelevant in comparison to our desire to be parents.

I am so glad that my mindset was positive about using donor sperm because three boys later those words I mentioned earlier have changed to: grateful, magic, content, father, proud, hope, happy, love and WHO GIVES A S#%T.

So proud of our boys

I am proud of our journey, and I love my boys so incredibly much. They are every bit of me except for a cell. I think about it now like I would think about a liver or kidney transplant. I needed the donor to save my life.

I have such a unique family and I love every bit of it. I am so close with my boys, and I am also open and honest with them about our route to parenthood. They are a little young to fully understand but they know Daddy’s cells didn’t work, and he needed help from another person to become their Daddy.

I don’t know how things may develop over the years, but I don’t even think about it; I know how I feel about my boys and it’s clear how they feel about me. Very rarely do I even think about the donor aspect of our lives but when I do it’s usually with pride and gratitude; I even think I would like to thank the open-minded donor.

I wish someone could have spoken to me who had experienced it and told me: ‘Please don’t worry, yes, it’s sad you are infertile but embrace the gift someone has given you.’