‘I was always scared to say just how bad I felt’

‘Our experience of infertility occurred while my wife and I were in our 20s. We had tried to conceive for a couple of years and finally after undergoing many tests we found out my sperm count was very low and of very poor quality and the chances of us having children naturally were almost none.

This news was extremely difficult to come to terms with and came with a number of very negative and destructive feelings for me including worthlessness, embarrassment, shock, confusion, denial, guilt, shame and anger. I felt my male identity and pride had become tied solely to not being able to have children through natural means. I felt worthless and less of a man and guilty as I couldn’t give my wife the thing she wanted most in the world.

Bottling things up

These were not feelings I felt I was able to talk to many people about. I didn’t know about or have access to male specific support nor was any recommended through the NHS. Over time, rather than talk about my emotions and feelings, I reverted to bottling it up which resulted in a strong feeling of anger, loneliness and depression that I carried around a lot and ended up taking out on others around me.

After the diagnosis, we went on to try and conceive twice through IVF and unfortunately both attempts were unsuccessful. Having to watch my wife experience the intrusive tests, daily injections and painful procedures that IVF brings was heart-breaking and led me to feel even more worthless and guilty.

An all-consuming experience

From diagnosis to deciding to stop IVF, our process lasted a few years and I can honestly say it was mentally and physically exhausting, especially when combined with other life issues. It became all-consuming and impacted every aspect of our life and put strain on our social and work life and our relationship.

Throughout the process I was always scared to say just how bad I felt and would try and laugh it off with friends but there were many times I wasn’t coping and I made the mistake of not talking about it as I should have done.

Deciding to stop IVF

Following the issues of infertility and IVF and the impact it was having on us physically, mentally and financially, we took the difficult decision to stop which had a huge emotional impact on us. We experienced significant feelings of grief and loss after each failed attempt of IVF and after the decision to stop completely.

Following on from that we underwent some counselling to move forward and I’m pleased to say that we did get through it eventually and our family grew. Not only did I go on to adopt my then step-son, who is now 23, but my wife and I went on to adopt our daughter and we became a family of four, two days before her first birthday. She’s now seven.

You are not alone

For any men reading this, please know you are not alone and support is there. The biggest mistake I made throughout the whole process was not seeking emotional support, being honest about how I felt and talking to those around me, especially my wife.’