Fertility treatment: when is ‘enough is enough?

Kelly da Silva, fertility support mentor and founder of the Dovecote: childless support organisation, on making the decision to stop fertility treatment

After years of being consumed by fertility treatments in the pursuit of achieving the dream of becoming a mother or father, there comes a time for many of us when we have to decide to stop treatment and that ‘enough is enough’. In this moment, emotionally, physically, financially and socially the decision can feel overwhelming, emotionally draining and ‘all consuming’.

‘It is a unique, often painful decision that has to be considered carefully in each personal situation and circumstances’

Having spent thousands on treatment, gone through invasive testing, disappointments and losses, it isn’t a decision that can be make easily. It is a unique, often painful decision that has to be considered carefully in each personal situation and circumstances.

In the past, involuntary childlessness was simply considered a ‘mysterious hand dealt by nature’. Today, with more and more access to enhanced testing and fertility treatments, it is now a personal decision to stop… because there always seems something else to try. But this comes at a cost: emotionally, socially and, most often, financially.

A personal decision

Each person dealing with infertility has to make the agonising decision when they have had enough. Having spent hours monitoring cycles, Googling and researching, living life around fertility calendars and appointments… many people decide that the main reason for stopping treatment is the sheer tiredness of feeling desperate and frustrated. Lives are on hold and every waking moment they are living and breathing to just ‘get pregnant’. So, the decision to stop is often so that they can get back to living.

After a fertility journey of almost a decade, my personal decision to stop treatment followed considerable invasive testing, 11 assisted conception cycles, including clomid, unsuccessful treatments of IUI and IVF, immune medication and two miscarriages. Deciding to discontinue fertility treatment and the pursuit of motherhood was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but in my heart I knew that it was time to let go.

‘I had always imagined I would be a mother and have a large family so knowing that I could no longer face undergoing any further treatments due to the detrimental impacts on my emotional health and well-being was absolutely heart-breaking.’

I had to make a decision to let go and move on with my life, a different kind of life to the one I had always imagined but the IVF ‘rollercoaster’ had taken its toll and I was tired.

I was tired of injecting, of the hormones, not exercising and being able to eat what I want, not being able to book a holiday and wondering if I might be pregnant, of not putting myself forward for a promotion or moving house and tired of thinking that ‘this time next year I might I pregnant’ – these were the thoughts for the past eight years.

It was exhausting and deciding to stop treatment was almost a relief in one way. Emotionally, physically, financially & spiritually… I was done! I just knew in my head, heart and stomach that it was time to stop.

Today, I still get people asking me: ‘So you’ve given up?’, ‘Whose fault is it?’ or ‘Why don’t you just adopt?’ At the end of my journey, comments like this merely added weight to me feeling like a failure. As time has gone on, I try to use these unhelpful questions as an opportunity to educate people about fertility and ‘what not to say’.

I have learnt to respond to these comments in a number of ways but recently I have questioned how I could I have failed at something which was not possible to achieve in the first place? I am not a failure. You are not a failure.

But our loss is real and we matter

While we do not appear to have lost anything in a physical sense to those around us, it is very common for those ending treatment to suffer a deep sense of loss and grief. Realising that you are not going to have the family, the life and the future you’ve always hoped and dreamed of can feel very isolating. Our grief is disenfranchised – not acknowledged by society.

Socially, many people find that they distance themselves from family and friends as it is sadly too painful to maintain close relationships when they are grieving their own loss. Anxiety and depression are also often experienced by those facing infertility and the sadness and frustration can have a huge impact once treatment has ended unsuccessfully.

Due to the deeply personal nature of this life-changing event, there is no magic formula which can be applied to knowing when to stop treatment.

However, there are a few things that can help with the decision and are important first steps in the journey:

  • keeping communication open (if you are in a couple)
  • discussing all of your options with clinicians
  • research alternative routes to parenthood which you may wish to consider
  • seek peer-to-peer support groups for support so you don’t feel alone
  • follow social media accounts of role models that have gone on to life without children / or pursued alternative routes to parenthood
  • reach out for the emotional support you need from your loved ones or that ‘safe friend’ that you know will simply offer a listening ear
  • take time out for yourself
  • access health professionals / counsellors to guide you through this life decision

To those still in the fog of fertility treatment and experiencing the distress of infertility, the positive news is that is does get better.

For me, the decision to stop trying is one that I have no regrets about. We tried what we could at the time; I do not punish myself with ‘what ifs?’ and have finally found peace with my situation.

Surviving one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever had to face in my life, I’m grateful to be able to now use my experiences to help others on their fertility journey – as a fertility support mentor and founder of The Dovecote: Childless Support Organisation’.

No longer a ‘mother-in-waiting’, I try to make the most of all the opportunities that come my way and live my best life with my husband, 11 nieces and nephews and two puppies. For me, life certainly is different, still fulfilling and purposeful, just in a different way to what I had imagined.

I’ve have experiences I could never have dreamed of and met the most inspirational people and I am deeply grateful for the children I do have in my life – the chance to nurture, nourish and mother in a different way.

‘Knowing when ‘enough is enough’ might be the end of one chapter… but it is the beginning of a new one.’

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