‘The desire and ache to become a parent is no different’

I look now at my two children and I often wonder how we even got to where we are today. I’m blessed to have two children via UK surrogacy: a girl named Talulah who was five in October and a little boy named Duke, who is two. This is my route to parenthood.

When setting out on my journey, I knew it wasn’t going to be straightforward. My husband Wes and I always wanted to turn to surrogacy as our way to build a family but we knew it would involve a tonne of research, and I even didn’t hold much hope that my plans of building a family with Wes would even materialise.

Fitting into a heteronormative pathway

There wasn’t an organisation that solely understood our journey as two men. There were surrogacy organisations that would help us but we had to fit into a heteronormative pathway. But why should we? We have to do that every day of our lives, surely this could be different.

Back in 2012 when we started looking into growing our family, accessing fertility treatment was impossible – it was simply not available for gay men on the NHS in England. Scotland however has supported with treatment, and I know of one case back in 2020.

A lack of support from my GP

I remember a conversation with a GP back in 2012 when I asked about NHS-funded fertility treatment; his words were: ‘But you’re homosexual, treatment is simply out of the question for you, are you seriously considering children?!’ I remember his words clearly. The worst of it was I never challenged him, I apologised for asking, and left feeling embarrassed.

Sadly, not much has changed since I first dared to ask about funded treatment. Treatment still isn’t available for gay men, even getting your fertility checked is out of the ordinary, and not ‘essential use of NHS funding’. So, either home sperm test kids or private clinic testing is the only viable option.

The costs of surrogacy

It’s simply discriminatory, there is no other way to describe it. Our community are faced with a decision if they are wanting a biological child. Co-parent or surrogacy – and most people don’t fully understand surrogacy or may struggle to raise the funds. Gestational surrogacy with donor eggs and IVF could cost intended parents upwards of £50,000 including the cost of surrogates’ expenses.

With more gay men turning to fertility treatment than ever before, my community has an unfair journey ahead. More needs to be done to challenge the inequalities in fertility treatment, including acknowledging our desire for children is equal, and not less than our heterosexual siblings. We’re just as deserving for a family, and whilst not every LGBTQ+ person is struggling with their fertility, the desire and ache to become a parent is no different, so let’s tackle the issue together.